My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
