Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
is it fun? or sober?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
