I hate all girls vehemently.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
