Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Couch. On fire.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
