He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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