Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
