i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
