I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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