Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Randomize
