ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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