I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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