i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
