first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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