my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I touched a dick in church today
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
