I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
