When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
