Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
