david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
