I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
