my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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