At least make sure they are 18
Why
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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