I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
