I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
