I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
