Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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