The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
