you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
