Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
