we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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