I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
