I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
