How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
