yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
