I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
