i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
