I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
