apparently the secret to your success is patron
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Did I show you my penis last night?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
