Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
