Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
