I wish I could teleport
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You may now shotgun with the bride
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
