he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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