He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
