I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
