My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
