all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
