My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Randomize
