Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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