being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
