awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
