I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Randomize
