So drunk its hurt
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
