Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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