sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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